It all started since my father's death, a year back. Not only did I lose my dad but I also lost my support system. It happened so suddenly that I had gone into a trauma. Everyone expected me to be strong at that time. But no-one knew how sad I was. I didn't know what was wrong with my body or my mind, most of the times I cried for no reason. I frequently felt a sense of numbness in my body. I didn't know what I was going through. I preferred being alone and was afraid of any type of interaction with anyone. I felt very low at that time. My family then consulted a doctor and I was diagnosed with OCD and clinical depression. So that's was the reason for my condition. Now I'm on my medication and I am feeling better.
I got an anxiety attack on the flight between Hong Kong and Milan in January 2014. I woke up sweating and I did not know what to do and I felt so helpless. Somehow I reached Milan and spent the next 10 days traveling in Milan and Venice. I got an anxiety attack again, twice, in Venice. I didn't know that it was an anxiety attack. After I returned home, it was fine for a while. One day, I was working on my computer, and there it happened again. This time the attack was bigger. After this, I feet anxious all the time. I felt like killing myself. I could not take a bus or metro, I walked as much as possible. I visited a doctor who prescribed me medicines for clinical depression and anxiety. Taiwan is culturally insensitive to anxiety and depression. But, I was lucky since my boss was so understanding when I told him about my problem. He gave me complete freedom with respect to my research work. I decided that I will not stop working or doing other things I like to do. This went on for a year, later I decided to change the environment and hence I moved to South Korea for a year. Change of environment and healthy lifestyle helped in my recovery. In 2016, I went back to Taipei, but I still was suffering from mild anxiety and depression and that is when I decided to stop taking the medicine completely and started therapy sessions Now it is the end of 2018, almost 4 years since I am in this situation. I have still not completely recovered, but then it is a slow process and I know I need to be patient with it.
I am a 22-year-old girl, I was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years I found out that he was cheating on me. when I tried to confront him, he dumped me without giving any explanation and got into a relationship with another girl the next day itself. I was heartbroken, had suicidal thoughts even though I knew that it wasn't my fault. I was scared to share this with my family and talked to no one about it as it was extremely difficult for me to trust anyone. This resulted in serious trust issues and being irritated all the time. Eventually, my brother noticed the change in my behavior. That is when I opened up to him about not eating anything and skipping college. He helped through my phase of depression, I believe that it's important for teenagers to realize that everything happens for a reason and our lives do not depend on any other person. I am sharing this story because a friend of mine took her life after her boyfriend broke up with her. I just request every teenager to share their feelings with someone and not keep dying inside, just because they are afraid of what others may think about them. Your parents love you much more than what you think they do.
I work as an instructional designer. I am a poet, writer, singer, dancer and an artist at heart. And guess what made me effortlessly creative? My anxiety issues. Thanks to my dramatic visualization and constantly running imagination I am an idea machine. After suffering from general anxiety issues for the past 8 years sometimes, my psychiatrist explained to me how it is a part of my personality. I live with anxiety every waking day but I am learning to stop running away from it. Trust me, we don't know how powerful we are unless we actually start facing our fears.
And that is my mantra to win over my issues. When I was about to leave the clinic after my visit these were my psychiatrist's last lines for me:
"I won't say get well soon, because there is nothing to get well from/of :)" So, to all the anxious people out there I'll say accept yourself the way you are, you'll never be the same if you take off the smallest chunk of yourself just because it bothers you a bit. See the bright side! :)
I was diagnosed with postpartum depression post delivery of my child in 2013. Frequent episodes of crying, the insecurity that my baby would be taken away from me and frequently feeling a fire in my belly were symptoms. It reached a point where I could not even breastfeed my baby and he was less than a month old. My gynecologist identified depression and sent me to a good psychiatrist. My son is almost five and I just came off my medication 2 months back. I'm glad I got help because I was able to raise my child all on my own and I felt happy doing it. Postpartum depression often goes unnoticed and mother suffers for no reason. I want all mothers to know that with medication, yoga, and exercise, you can overcome the disease and lead normal lives again.
It was back in 2004 I had taken admission in hotel management. I belong to a good family though I had never experienced life in a metro city. Being a girl and the youngest in the family I was pampered by all. I felt alienated in the fast life of the city. I was made a center of the jokes as I belonged to rural area plus. I was body shamed. I stopped eating and felt like committing suicide. I tried confiding in my family, at first they were not ready to get me back but eventually, my grandfather was worried about me. I took admission in a college at Chandigarh but the vicious circle took place again. I called up my father and he decided to consult a doctor and hence I was diagnosed with depression and OCD.
With medication and CBT I have improved a lot and at present, I am working as a professor in a college. My medication has decreased and my work keeps me busy which is a solution to depression. The unwanted thoughts disappear when you are busy. In the end, I would like to say that depression is nothing to be ashamed of. keep yourself busy.
So my name is Preethi now I am doing my third year of BCA. I did not feel good after joining my college, as I was new to college life. Suddenly in six months of joining college I did not feel very well. I don't know what I was going through and I couldn't get help from anyone because when I told people that this is what I am going through, they told me it's the stress and i should just go to sleep or hear music or just do what I enjoy but I couldn't do that and for six months. I didn't know what to do and one fine day I came to know that I was going through clinical depression.
I was weak physically mentally. One fine day I was sitting and thinking very deeply and me when my mom's what am I doing.I broke down in front of her and that was the beginning. Even my parents didn't understand what I was going through, my father said it is because of what you're thinking just think your find it will be fine. One month later. they decided to take me to a psychiatrist. I am in medication now. I am fine compared to before. and I'm not ashamed.
I am Kajol Aikat, a 24-year old author. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 1.5 years old. But, that was strangely the brighter part of the otherwise dark coin. It was one fine morning in my high school when the other part arrived. I got a seizure in midday and after that day I was mocked and ragged. At one point, I was molested by a gang of seniors and that incident affected for me for the rest of my life. I started thinking that maybe I am not good enough or somewhat it was my fault that I had seizure.
I was already on neural medicines. I went through a phase which had me sitting at home, even scared to interact with my parents. Everybody and everything got dark for me. Until it was one day I realized that maybe I was overdoing it and I deserve better. Today I have written 4 national bestsellers, doing a job and supporting my single family. I have friends who make me feel comfortable in my own skin and happiness is something that I always focus to earn.
Being a medical student myself I never imagined going through a mental illness. But you never know what happens in life. Put forward into a reality check in my rural service days post MBBS I became diagnosed with brief psychosis. After staying in a remote village with a family who lost their young son. I started hallucinating, imagining myself to being discussed in TV. I remember my then-boyfriend trying to pull me back to reality. But thankfully the medicine showed effect. I had a relapse every year of severe depression. I would speak ill towards near and dear ones. In one such episode after a personal crisis, I was misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist as Schizophrenic. Had a huge argument with him. Left for Nimhans the very next day. they adjudged me as perfectly fine. i was just recommended a psychologist for counseling sessions. Moving on to Post graduation academic pressure building I sank into depression again. Attended by a local experience for psychiatrist was diagnosed as the Bipolar disorder. Put on mood stabilizers for six months. Put on ten kilos weight.
No benefit at all. Nearing another breakdown before MD final my extremely supporting Professor made me leave for home. Somehow managed to clear exam probably due to my worthy performance in last three-year span of post-graduation. Off medications absolutely since the exam is over. Have started working in a new place. Started lifestyle modification. Regular exercising in gym, clean diet, becoming independent in staying alone. Maybe just a little change and some support can go a long way. Please be aware and supportive of those in need. And get proper diagnosis and management. If I can do it. You can do it.
I was working abroad at that point of time. I did not even understand what was happening, or what triggered my depression. All I knew was, I used to feel tired all the time, yet I could not sleep. I could not concentrate on my work. There were moment when I would suddenly start crying and not able to stop. I would not go out, talk to people. I would not even turn on lights in my room, maybe I was afraid to see myself clearly in a mirror. Everything around me had simply come to a halt. People would come to my house, I would turn them away, I won't even ask them to come inside. Then someone close to me literally forced me to seek help. I remember my first session of therapy, I was not even making sense, crying endlessly, unable to construct a proper sentence. But those sessions helped. Somehow I felt talking to stranger was really soothing, maybe because I was not under pressure to try and explain myself logically. I still am thankful to my friend, who literally dragged me to therapy.
It's ok not to feel ok. We are all humans. Some days we would be ecstatic, some days we would be low. But when feeling low is all you have, that is what I feel depression is. I urge all my friends to seek help. In our country this is still a taboo. But ignore the society. You have fever, you go to a doctor. If you feel depressed, you get treated for that as well.
It hurts when you got know about your medical condition and suddenly your entire world drop out, in 2013 I dignosed with thalassemia a condition of genetics at the age of 19 & I was a psychology student and singing is my passion when suddenly this horrifying condition takes me in the ocean of depression where I don't know weather to see dreams or not?
I quit everything start staying in home for most of the times crying and shouting for help sometimes I feel to end my life I feel like something ending me inside of my body then one day my mom takes me to the psychologist counseller Dr. Akurti From GB pant hospital who treated my depression almost for 2 month regular Medicine & Care I overcome my depression and am.not ashamed telling my story to awake people who scare to share ..Now I live freely and i even don't care if I have thalasemia cause nothing can stop us dreaming our dreams and chasing our aims currently I'm graduated in psychology and working on my debut music album.
I'm 21 and Bipolar. I was diagnosed with manic depression in 2015 (4 years ago) after undergoing 3 episodes of depression and 2 episodes of mania. The delay in diagnosis, I feel was due to lack of awareness and so I want to share my story. Even after I started medication I had to struggle with depressive tendencies. I feel that even after my medication began I did not receive counseling and the required therapy again due to little awareness. I feel that medication and maintenance of lifestyle is important but not sufficient. Therapy is essential. I am now taking therapy but still at times I feel stuck and gloomy. That life is dark and stagnant. It will never change. The hopelessness would many a times lead to suicide contemplation because death seemed easier than life. The feeling was so heavy and overpowering that nothing could cheer me up. And the worst thing was that I felt that no one would understand.
It's not that I didn't try, I did but all I got was stunted or negative responses again due to lack of awareness and understanding. I started keeping it to myself thereon which made everything worse. I felt isolated and like a misfit everywhere. My self esteem dipped to an all time low. I felt that people are ridiculing me or laughing on me among themselves. I wanted to hide away or become invisible. The only few mechanisms that kept me going were journaling and music. I loved to listen to songs that I could relate to in my lows. I would try and pick people that are clean slates so I don't feel judged and by sharing with them or helping them out instead I'd get a sense of achievement that would lift me up.
Slowly I understood that it was important to find the roots of my illness that were burried in my childhood and resolve them. That is when I started working on myself with self help books like emotionally absent mother and Running on Empty(Jonice Webb). I started going to therapy sessions periodically. I still struggle but coming out about it is the most empowering feeling and I am really inspired by this initiative. I want to participate in the #notashamed movement in every way possible. It's the only way make India emotionally educated and literate.
Consumed the scars and here we are the shining stars.
Its been more than 3 years I have been fighting"depression". Somehow I am good at pretending that I am okay but I know those dark thoughts are going to attack me anytime. I know when to put myself into the orbit of chaos and when to get out. Thousand reasons to give up and still I don't because I want to see what is on another side. It's true that once darkness touches you it never really fades away but also we human can achieve anything. I have always tried to shape depression into something positive by changing the core perspectives.
Carry the memories and leave the pain the eternal peace.
I had postpartum depression. I was in my second year of postgraduate residency in medicine when I got pregnant. After a stressful pregnancy and prolonged labor I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I went to my mother's place for my postpartum period, where I could rejoice motherhood. Few days were good , except of course the constant feeding and baby care. In the second month, my husband joined us for a two week period and it was all going well. The night he went back to the workplace and I was on social media uploading pictures of our baby.
Suddenly, I started feeling anxious and scared, I couldn't understand the reason. I had this notion that if I fell asleep, I would have dreams of drowning or choking. or if I slept I wouldn't be able to wake up and would land in a coma. I knew it was an absurd and irrational thought, but my mind was reacting to that thought and I had a panic attack that same night. Somehow I convinced myself to sleep. The next day when I woke up, I woke up with a feeling of sadness. It was a thick layer of sadness without a reason and to top it all I had this constant fear of sleep. The next two months was the worst time of my life.
I had thoughts like I was not a good mother or maybe I was just scared that my career is over. my husband's attitude towards this was not helping. I knew the diagnosis but did not accept it. I rushed from psychiatrist to psychiatrist and still couldn't believe I had postpartum depression. But then, in the end, it took a lot of convincing by my parents and my husband's support to get me to take the antidepressant.
I took it for a period three months and then tapered it down. Luckily for me, the episode was over.
I am a single mother of two daughters. After my second daughter, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression which unfortunately did not get cured as my family never supported me. They never understood my condition and kept blaming me for having negative thoughts and crying continuously. Unfortunately, my condition got severe and turned to clinical major depression with severe suicidal thoughts.
I had to live for my daughters hence pushed myself to a psychiatrist and I was put on medication. I left my husband house with daughters so that along with medication, I have a positive environment to cure myself. Within 9 months, I was off the medication I am happy that I survived. But my family condition still remains the same. I am a very successful person in the education industry but still single and still no support from my parents. Sometimes the feeling comes back but now I have learned how to manage it better.
Hey! I am 16 years old. I did not know what depression looked like but my mom was facing it. I too was going through panic attacks and anxiety which I realized at the age of 21. I was a fat kid, I had zero confidence never thought that I could look beautiful. Every night I felt worse, looking myself at 3 am and crying. One such night I decided to go on a crash diet and the progress made me closer to beauty by torturing my inner self. Slowly looking for results, I started working out and indulged myself into fitness activities for the next three years.
Now, in 2018 when I was confident, aware of nutrition. The crash diet which I had done in past led to tuberculosis in 2018 It was a major turning point in my life. Things I did for the outer beauty and out of family fat shaming lead me at this cost of living. Maybe, I have grown as a person but it was all at the cost of my health. I had never talked about my panic attacks, anxiety or insecurities to anyone. But today I am confident. With the way I am and how I look.
I guess my story, starts when I was fourteen years old. Frequent breakdowns in the school assembly without any reason, feeling of extreme amounts of anxiety, kept repeating, but I never paid any attention to them. Academically I did everything to overcompensate. I drowned myself in working towards my goal and secured a medical seat at my own merit. I found that as a channel to validate my own value in my own eyes.Everybody around me expected me to be fine, happy and grateful. I forced myself to show these emotions to the outside world.
I struggled to wake up, to eat, became dependent on people, had extreme amounts of fatigue and I hated going to college. I didn't enjoy what I was doing anymore.It was only six years later that I sought help, from a professional counselor and realized that I was suffering from GAD and borderline depression. Also, I did suffer from a long history of childhood trauma and abuse and I realized that I was conditioned to normalize bad behavior or unacceptable behavior, that I stretched my boundaries to such an extent, that I didn't even know what my boundaries were, to begin with. This started reflecting in my personal relationships. My self-respect was in shackles, and I felt completely undeserving of love.
I was so used to "numbing" out my emotions and not addressing them, that they found expression through other means like overwhelming anxiety. Never let anyone tell you that you are a burden because you feel too much. People who truly love you will appreciate you for what you are, and you deserve no less than that.
This isn’t my story, it’s that of the person that I love and value the most. My husband is my hero. He’s everything and more that I’d ever expect in a decent human being. I’ve always known him to be reserved, but you can tell when something gets too far. We’d drive to work together, a good 45 minutes each way, without a word spoken. He spoke even less than his reserved self, looked distant, and would lay in bed staring at he ceiling fan. His gorgeous dimples had all disappeared. And I knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what it was.
On an off chance I mentioned hypochondria on a visit to his doctor, who displayed such a tremendous presence of mind, for which I’ll be forever grateful - he asked us to go see a psychologist for potential anxiety. We hadn’t quite grasped the gravity of the situation, until a few weeks from this visit, when a seemingly small bump in the road opened up a well of emotions that I didn’t know he had. After two agonising days, my husband pulled up his chair next to mine to say the first words to me in two days - I think I’m depressed, and I need help.
That was the beginning of our healing. It’s been 5 years since then, we still have good days and bad days, but we know they’ll pass. He knows how to ride over the bad days, he’s learnt to recognise triggers, and handle them head on. I’ve learnt patience. And that it’s his journey. All I can do is to walk alongside this beautiful man as he discovers his complex mind.
Depression is real. It’s crippling. And it’s manageable. We need to call it out, and then find a way to best manage it.
If you’re depressed, name it, and go find help. There are more good days, and you deserve to live them well. If you know, and love, someone who is depressed, stand by them. That’s all you have to do.
I'm 21. Just stopped taking antidepressants 2 months ago. I was in severe depression for 6 months. Did not understand what was happening to me or where it came from. Everything was fine, but slowly I did not want to wake up or get up from bed. I was fighting with myself all the time. Every second of every mintute felt was difficult to pass. I would cry all day and night , everything that made me happy felt like a task suddenly. I forced myself to do even the basic things, like to smile and talk to people. I did not tell anybody, thinking it would get fine one day or the other.
Until I started complaining about my severe headache. And one day I could not take it. I felt like I was not able to recognise things or that my brain had stopped working. I could not understand even one single line of my book, which made me feel like the blood circulation to my brain had stopped. One day, all of a sudden, my barin could not take it anymore and I went to the doctor. She told me that my heart beat was way way more than normal. I told her about my headache for the last 3-4 months. She understood and immediately diagnosed me with depression and gave 4-5 anti depressant tablets.
I deep inside knew what it was but I had not accepted it until then. I never thought I would be depressed in my life for I was stronger than any girl I knew. I still do not know where it came from and why did it happened to me, because I was perfectly happy. I took the medicines for 8-9 months and stopped until only recently. I have started to take care of my mental health. I am now more aware of it and that one year has changed me completely. So the only thing that I want to tell anyone who is suffering from it, is that all this while I was suffering all alone but I did not loose hope NO MATTER WHAT. I knew it that one day it is all going to be fine.
THERE IS ONLY ONE PERSON WHO CAN GET YOU OUT OF IT , AND THAT IS YOU. It is going to be the most difficult phase of your life but it will get over one day and make you even stronger. WHAT DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STONGER. Go to a psychiatrist today if you feel even the slightest symptoms. AND DO NOT LOOSE HOPE THROUGH the process. You have to get better for yourself.
I suffered from depression for 5 months. I used to cry many times without reason. I was getting angry about small things at times. And this happened because I was detained in class 9 and was not able to secure the marks I wanted to get in class 10 & 12. One of my friend whose sister was a psychiatrist helped me come out of it. She also helped me in getting my self-confidence back, which I lost due to some failures I had gone through.
Depression puts a person in tough situations but you can overcome it by yourself, but the belief and support from others you get, helps too.
Hi, Greetings to all.
I am Rahul, 24 years old. I am also the victim of depression and anxiety disorder. It started when I was 15 years. It is just painful. It deteriorated my academic, social and personal life. Mental illnessess are abstract in nature, so your loved ones may not be able to notice it or they may not recognize your pain. I humbly advise you that please don't be angry on them, they may be just ignorant about it. But there is hope. With proper medication and counselling, you will lead a better life.
Thank You Deepika and the Foundation, for igniting hope in me.
Hi. I am here sharing my story because I want to make a difference among the people who have depression and mainly talk about suicide. I am only 16 years old and last year, I went through depression. I don't know how to describe it but it was terrible and horrendous and I would never want to have a relapse OR have anyone else to go through what I went through. I became suicidal and started cutting my wrists to reduce the pain inside of me. And by the end of last year, I had attemped suicide thrice. I still did not have the desire to live because I felt like life was meaningless.
I had opened up to my friends but they did nothing to help me because they didn't take me seriously.I hated being with my family. I felt like I was in prison and all I wanted to do was get out of my house and run away. Since I couldn't do that, I frequently locked myself in my room and barely came out of it. I use to starve myself and ignore my mom's screams. My mom was getting worried of me and kept confronting me about what's wrong. I kept telling her everything is fine. Until one day, we had a massive fight and I was crying and although it was very difficult because I don't open up to adults - I told her about my depression.
And that's when she searched it up online for more information and finally recognised my illness that was very severe at that moment. She did everything she could to help me. And I am thankful to her for that. I took time and I helped myself because to be honest, it all starts with you. Right now, I'm much better and I want to tell everyone out there, especially the teenagers who go through what I had gone through.
SUICIDE IS NEVER AN OPTION AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. Please don't take your own life. Although it might seem like the right thing to do at the moment, it is not. You are born to live, you will have struggles and failure THAT will only make you stronger! Just never give up. Reach out to people. Although it is very hard, reach out and seek help.
There are people willing to help. I'm young and I just wanted to share to let the youth out there know they can do this. I hope my story brings a difference, because I care.
I have been suffering from depression for years now. It is generally triggered when I feel "'abandoned'. I am currently doing perfectly fine, the ups and downs are still there but I am stable most of the time. What helped was firstly - medication. I did not want to take it at first, but I had to because I started developing health issues due to loss of appetite. I am now reducing it, after more than a year of taking it. So yay! Secondly, reflection.
Whenever I feel very depressed or hating on life, myself and everything, I take a moment to think rationally about what's happening inside my head. Within minutes I catch the trigger (thought, word or situation), and I know the secret behind my crisis. Doing this helped me prevent many crisises as I would see it coming through recognition of the trigger.
I did this around 10 times (more or less) within 2 years, and generally each reflection session would last between 1 to 3-4 hours depending on my state. So if you do suffer from depression as well, go see a doctor, but do reflect on your crisis as it helps a lot! Wishing you all fast recovery and a long healthy and happy life.
Thank you TLLLF for bringing us together.
Begins with a scratch,
turns into a wound;
it is that feeling.
Darkens your soul and,
rips you apart;
it is that feeling.
Living feels like existing,
ceasing feels too easy;
it is that feeling.
Sadness, misery, anger come along with it.
Make you want to cease,
with each passing minute;
it is that feeling.
Cut yourself; bleed yourself,
it won’t help I know!
Embrace the light and,
let it go.
Fight it, conquer it;
believe in yourself;
and find your true self.
Depression. It’s just a word, but it can turn your world upside down. 80% of the people don’t even know that they are suffering from it. So, if even the person who is suffering from it doesn’t know then how someone else is supposed to? People do not consider it as a serious issue but it is one.
Read about it, learn about it, know what you are suffering from. A conversation with a friend or family can help a lot!
The Live Love Laugh Foundation is one of the many foundations against depression. If you know someone suffering form the same, please help them because you making a move might save a life!"
At the age of 24 when every young girl were looking for the chance of perfect career growth or dreaming about her prince charming , I was struggling with panic attack and anxiety disorder. I Still don't know the exact reason whether it was my fears of childhood journey or the result of an abusive relationship. Around 3 years ago I just woke up with lot of fear and a weird feeling which continues for around 1 year with lot of physical symptoms and mental stress. I took the help from professional doctor who played very important role to make me believe that there is nothing wrong with me physically but its a chemical imbalance in a brain. Now today I am feeling much better and improved by anxiety disorder with the help of medicines, exercise, friends and family.
Just for all those who are struggling with the same - acceptance is the first step to cure yourself, give attention to your body as well as mind and pamper them with lots of love and care.
As I have been going through with both anxiety and depression from the time where I didn't even know what was happening to me...Yes I am a victim to this illness since childhood... It became extremely difficult for me to take on everyday challenges even simple normal.tasks of going to school. I had no idea that I am suffering from what is termed as depression and in my case childhood depression .my situation became worse when I went through loss of appetite loss.of communication and now loss of interest in the daily activities...At present my situation is better than before but I don't know how much damage I will cover in the coming years as I constantly go through bodyaches loss of interest and finding no purpose or giving an aim to my life.
I still go through deep bouts of loneliness but after so long struggle which can be counted as nearly 14-16 years where I have dealt with extreme on and off depression anxiety panic...it became worse that I had to seek for help.
Pretty much I am doing fine by seeking help.
Whatever I have suffered it is all biological/genetic...it's no one's fault...I am blessed with a wonderful family and recently with a pet.i find Greta comfort with him. Falling a victim to depression I have lived the worst feelings one can experience I know what is loneliness as I have lived it..Depression is hard depression is real.
With my story all I can say is with my depression I have lost many opportunities my personality...but it had made me humble human being..I know hiw important love is in life and that it can act a s wonders. I am still blessed that u still have this life even if I suffer from on and off from depression anxiety or panic attacks. I am on my way to healing to start from the very beginning as how to live and survive beautiful amid the chaos. All those who suffer from mental illness.
Its nobody's fault. And I am there to support you !!!
The first time I realized my dad wasn’t like other dads, he sat straight up in bed, wide-eyed, and started screaming: “WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”
I would later become a smart aleck, but at the time, I was three, maybe four, so I didn’t respond to these questions the way I might now: “Hey, if anyone should know, it’s you.”
A moment before, I had been watching Sesame Street on the edge of my parents’ bed. My father was napping. He’d been sick for the last couple of days, so he’d stayed home from the office that day. It must have been late, because my mother, who also worked, was home. I think it was spring or summer, because it was still daylight out.
Or maybe it was a weekend in winter. How can you totally trust a 35-year-old memory? All I know is that when I remember that day, it happens in the evening. In the springtime. And my father is still there, still alive, shaking me by my tiny shoulders and yelling.
“WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”
Downstairs, my mother hears the commotion. She shouts up the stairs, “Bruce? What’s wrong?”
The reedy tremolo of terror in her voice gives my father, deranged, another vector than the small, shivering child he was shaking in his hands. (Did he know I was a child, let alone his child? Was he that far gone? Another answer I’ll never know.) He erupts from the bed, hurling me into the corner, and by the time I have picked myself up from the floor, the bedroom is empty.
I follow him into the hallway, sniffling. I feel the overwhelming guilt of the toddler, whose heart crushes itself under the solipsism of his newness. Whatever is wrong with my dad, I must be the cause. Yet I have no real idea of what it is I could have done.
I woke up feeling strange and empty. My hands were shivering, my mind wandering and I was feeling extremely restless. I could feel a sense of loss; it felt like I had lost a limb even though I hadn’t. I could see the dark end approaching and couldn’t imagine life after. I would stare endlessly at my computer screen counting seconds to pass by, and each second felt like an hour.
I suffered an abortion. At a time, where I couldn’t even comprehend childbirth, I was asked to abort a child. And the man responsible for it chose to walk away as per his convenience, citing that he was too young to be a part of the trauma. I went through both the physical and emotional effects alone. I couldn’t even understand why I was mourning the end of a relationship, crying over someone so irresponsible. The day after the abortion I felt like an emotional wreck. The following day I was empty, sad and numb. I was told that I would be out for eight minutes and I would feel only a little discomfort afterward. They lied. It ruined the next 3 years of my life. The man who said he loved me for 6 years, bailed out on me because he was too scared to commit. I couldn’t even absorb what happened.
Slowly I suffered from low self-esteem. I grew cranky, irritated and socially awkward. I had nightmares where I was forced to see my baby being ripped apart in front of me. I would lock myself in a room and cry all day. I would sleep not wanting to wake up the next day. I wasn’t a coward but I wished I could erase all the pain from my life permanently. I was embarrassed to share my story with anyone as I felt guilt and shame. The day I decided to give up and end the pain in my mind, a voice in my head directed me towards seeking help. I read up online and visited a therapist, with no expectations of getting better. I was sure that nobody can help me. I found myself sitting in the room with a lady questioning me and my choices. I sat there, adamant to not utter a word. She waited patiently. I left without saying anything, but the silence pushed me to go back. The second time I was with the therapist, I poured my heart out. I spoke without a filter and without the fear of being judged. That was the best decision of my life. She helped me set realistic goals for the future and helped me identify and channel my emotions positively. I was hesitant towards medication at first, but slowly started to feel better.
I am in a much better place now and I am glad that I have learned to cope with depression and take it in my stride.
am Dr.Chaarvi Murari and I’m a dental surgeon. I struggled with depression for over four years. Fortunately, my family and friends have been very supportive in helping me overcome it. Here’s a snippet of my struggle:
EMPTY, Time runs by
At the glimpse of my sight
But, I stand still
In Fear what is coming next
About which I am clueless
Praying for a future where I am fearless
I push myself to be strong…
Every night seems like the last
Waking up to a dull sun
Listening to a song I can’t hear
Sleeping with a baggage which I can no longer bear
Pain, loss, agony… Yes, it is here, it is now!
People say failure is relative
But they don’t know, when it strikes you, it becomes superlative
Losing the zeal to put my heart and soul
Life has endless possibilities but I don’t know what exactly is my goal
Trying to prove my worth every day
Hiding what is not to be shown
Keeping a smile up and burying my wrath
Putting all my pieces together just to show that I am not torn
Standing with hundreds of people but still feeling all alone
I know they won’t understand and now I don’t want them to
Can’t explain myself to everyone, everyday and every time
Can’t put it on anyone else when I know that the curse is mine
Now, that loneliness has become my solace, darkness seems divine
But I know somewhere in my heart
I will have a future of glory and might
As it is only a shattered glass which shines like stars holy and bright
I have struggled with bipolar disorder, anxiety, nervousness and depression, since I was a little girl. These mental issues have been my enemy for the past 35 years or so. I always thought that I would win them over. Little did I realize that they would also end up putting up a strong fight against me. However, I have gained strength to manage and cope with it and hope to do so, for the rest of my life.
I was just about 10 when I stood cowering in the corner of my room, shaken from the beating I was subjected to. I looked at the adults in the house, for help. I failed to understand why I was being punished. I knew that I had been bothering my parents and was different from my siblings. I harboured guilt for hurting everyone around me with my unusual behaviour. But, there was a lack of awareness about mental health issues in those days.
I was nervous and used to tremble with stage fear during my performances. I was confident and an extrovert, but eventually transformed into an introvert and a reticent girl. I thought that I could win over the world, but grew up into an adult believing that I was less than ordinary. I compared myself to my classmates who I believed were talented and worthy.
I was paranoid about exploding under the impact of my emotions. Shouting and screaming without any apparent provocation was normal for me. To contain me, my parents beat me mercilessly. However, I believed that they were not in the wrong either. I considered myself as a stigma to the family who contaminated their prestige with my irrational behaviour. I was unable to comprehend as to why I behaved the way I did.
Despite getting admission in a management course from a prestigious institute, I considered myself worthless. I suffered the guilt of not being able to live up to my father’s dream of becoming a doctor.
At the age of 21, I got engaged and eventually married the guy my father chose for me. I broke down completely as I could not express the affection I harboured in my heart for a boy in college. I never considered myself worthy of his love although sometimes I observed him to be taking keen interest in me. He was curious about my unusually quiet nature. I felt undeserving of his love.
I struggled with maintaining my relationships. I failed to foresee that my mental issues are going to wreck havoc to my marriage. However, the universe ended up being kind to me. I was blessed to be married to a gentle and understanding soul, who was patient and empathetic towards me.
However, my in-laws kept constantly taunting me, which triggered the depression again. I attempted suicide three times in a span of 7 years and went through intense therapy and medication. The doctors informed me that I was suffering from depression and bipolar disorder. My husband supported me through the struggle, completely. He rushed me to the emergency ward past midnight. He stayed up all night just to make sure I was fine, in spite of several suicide attempts.
There are innumerable days in a month when I sulk in my bed refusing to wake up. I take my medicines and choose to lie in bed all day. However, I am still hopeful and I am waiting for the days that will be bright and cheerful. I have lived an incomplete life so far, but believe that everything is going to change for the better and that these dark clouds will eventually let the sun shine through.
I was a fun loving college student who was living on my own, away from family. I loved hanging out with my friends and was very happy. However, suddenly, life took an unpredictable turn. Something didn’t seem right, the spark was missing. I would cry myself to sleep every night for months together and wake up with swollen eyes. I created a home under my quilt. I suffered from stress and anxiety. I refused to show resilience for some inexplicable reason. I was too scared to be happy. I chose to be sad. I would break down into tears very easily. This also resulted in loss of appetite and weight loss. It also made me physically weak.
The worst feeling is when everything seems fine, but you’re still not okay. I couldn’t comprehend why I was feeling this way. After struggling for almost 8 months, I decided to acknowledge my fear and seek help. I shared how I was feeling with my parents. That was the first step towards getting am in much better place now. However, I’m still looking for the lost spark and hope to be happy again, soon.
“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.”
- Elizabeth Gilbert