Stories of Hope

I was in std. IX when my dad was Transfered to Sambalpur. 

I had recently lost my best friend, one of the most trusted people of my life. I was in need of a support. Everything was new to me. And eventually, I made a huge blunder in choosing friends, probably the biggest mistake of my life. They misused my innocence and love what I had for them as persons and exposed me to addictions. Thankfully I wasn't taken into it. One of them became a very close friend of mine just to come close to and eventually  propose a girl who was my close friend. Again I was used. All of this distraction led my grades to detoriate. And all of a sudden I lost my maternal grandma, who was my very first inspiration. These heartbreaks and trust issues led me into Depression until a guy came to my rescue. He pushed me forward in every way he could. And helped me secure 92% in IX. But I didn't recover completely. I wasn't emotionally stable at all. Then another guy joined the school and unknowingly became very close. I was inspired by him. I saw a different perception of life. His personality was very like my grandma's. And without the knowledge of both me and himself, he made me emotionally strong and taught me self worth and confidence, which I lacked during that phase. These two guys played a huge role in my recovery and because of them I'm alive. There were times when I thought of jumping off the terrace of our 8 storeyed building, cutting my veins,etc. But Everytime I was stopped by the visuals of my mom, my grandma, and them. The second guy insisted me to continue with my sports and music, which I had almost left during the phase ( I'm a state level Badminton player and swimmer and I'm classically trained in vocal and sitar). Yes indeed. Coming back into sports helped me a lot recovering. The key point to fight depression is to accept. Confidence automatically vanishes. But acceptance makes the task easier to get it back and right.

TUG OF WAR

“Why are you being so moody?” 

“Why are you so quiet?”

“Suddenly you seem more cheerful than usual.” 

“Why are you such a cry baby?”

“People like you should be put in a mental institution.”

Wondering who would say such hurtful things to another person? Well, “abnormal” people have to hear these questions and statements on a daily basis from people who are “normal”. Mental illness is like a road trip that you never decided to take, and you are forced to drive without a GPS. Getting diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder was the beginning of one such road trip for me which started in 2016.

I had always been a troubled child and found myself in a therapist’s cabin quite often. In one such visit to the therapist, after responding to a number of questionnaires, I was told that I have a mental illness, BD 2, and if I don’t start medication soon, my condition might degrade. I’ve been struggling with various emotional, physical, and social issues that come as a part and parcel of being mentally ill.

People comment on my weight. My parents frequently worry that I might kill myself, who will marry me, will I have a normal life, how will people treat me when they come to know about my illness, etc. My close friends check on me regularly to see if I’ve taken my medicines or not.

People who know about me having Bipolar say to me that I seem to be pretty normal. But well mental illness is not a physical wound that that can be seen externally. Have I recovered completely? No. But I have learned to manage my life and accepted Bipolar to be a part of it.

Acceptance is the most difficult part of having a mental illness. It took me months to accept that I have a mental illness that cannot be cured. I started doubting myself, that how will I be a good psychologist when I am mentally ill myself. I even considered giving up on psychology because it felt like the subject failed me, studying it didn’t even help me take care of my own mind. I found it difficult to understand whether I’m doing something as a result of me being “crazy”, or because I really want to do that thing. There was a constant thrust I faced at every step in my life. There was anxiety about how people will treat me. There was fear because of the side effects of the medication. I was losing confidence as fast as I was gaining weight. I didn’t love or accept myself anymore. I couldn’t concentrate on classes because I used to be sleepy all the time. I was living away from my parents in a hostel, and loneliness was another issue that I had to deal with.

It isn’t as bad as it sounds. I am grateful that I have Bipolar. It helps me get a better insight into the lives of others who have mental illnesses, which in turn helps me help them. After four years, I’m stable, but there do come moments when the symptoms of my illness interfere with other aspects of my life. Regular consultation and sessions with my psychiatrist and psychologist help me stay stable and deal with relapse. Also, I have a very strong support system in the form of my parents, my best friend, and my dogs. I am grateful for them being a part of my life. I started working on spreading mental health awareness with my best friend, which acts as another anchor and gives me peace and stability.

There are some negatives and positives of everything that happens in life, we just need to find our light at the end of the tunnel. I dedicate this article to all those who had to take up this road trip. May you find your GPS soon.

I was happily Living with my Parents and my younger sister in Delhi Utterly ignorant of the cycle of time. When I was 2 Years old My Father Went into Depression , My mother started a job , my Maternal Grandfather and Grandmother started taking care of me and my sister , I was Left all alone , Never got the love I want from my parents , I couldn't even celebrate my Birthday with my parents , For the Sake of my father's Health , My Mom and dad decided to shifted to Haldwani , I was really attached to my grandfather and Grandmother and my Best friend minakshi , I don't want to leave them but still I Ended up being in Haldwani . Time passed and I was waiting to complete my studies and Going back to Delhi but situation get worse when I Was 12 Years old , I Was Sexually Abused by my cousin brother , I Was not able to tell anyone about this coz no one was there to understand me , I was having a feeling of hatred for my parents , After that Situation My Grandfather left all of us , He Died because of Cancer , I Was Shattered into pieces , Unabhle to spend my Previous years with him , I Started living alone , No Friends , Not Good relationship with Family , Guilt and Fear Keeps haunting me... , When I was In 10 I Attempted suicide , Unable to handle my life but I Was Safe , My parents thought it might be study pressure and they ignored it even I was afraid of being to a mental Hospital so I kept quiet , Didn't talked to my parents about my feelings , I Was in 11 Class it was my business Studies exam and Suddenly I Got Fainted while writing the exam , When I woke up , I was at the Hospital, Doctor Checked me and Find everything normal , They asked my parents to take me to a Psychiatrist and this is how my journey begins..

I Was Admitted but I Asked my parents to take me back to home or else I will kill myself , They bring me back to home , I Was having no love for my parents at that time , I Was Given Antidepressants , I was Having Hallucinations , I Started Behaving Lime a 5 year child , Continuous Faintness and I Was not Able to Recognise my mother and Sister . I was Again Admitted to Hospital , Maternal Grandmother Was Called to Haldwani she looked after me but nothing changes , I Again Attempted suicide , After few unsuccessful Suicide Attempts , I Brought out my anger to everyone around me , Seeing all this My Parents make me a Promise that if I will co-operate with the treatment they will take me to Delhi and I will live there , I started cooperating with doctor they built a trust relationship with me and I Started Recovering , After 1 Month my father took me to Delhi we enjoyed and bring me back to Haldwani , Saying that lets complete school formalities for new admission after 15 Days I leaned the truth it was a condition my parents put to help me recover but I just broke me down , They started gaining my trust and love but everything was again turned into hatred , I was Forcefully Sent to School But there the situations worsens the most , Everyone knows I was Suffering from Dissociative Disorder , My Classmates Started making Groups and Talking About me , She's been to a Mental Asylum , Stay away from her , She's mad , She's possessed , Were the comments I was getting , I Continuously Got Fainted in school too , Though my teachers and Principal Sir was Supportive but still nothing worked I Opted Home Schooling , I keep Myself Locked in a Room , My mental Health had a Lot of Fluctuations , I was Having Hallucinations , I Could see my Maternal Grandfather Who was Dead and My Best friend minakshi , Seeing all this Everyone thought I am Possed and Pandit was Brought to our home , He Torchered me , Hold my hairs Tightly , I was Hurting , My Wrist was Paining , I Continuously asked him to Stop , My relatives were sitting Quietly and seeing the drama but no one came to help me.. , Then my father suddenly came in between and stopped all that , My Mom dad Supported me and We go for proper treatment , But the past memories were not leaving me and the stigma for mental illness around me was making situations worse but luckily I realised my parents loves me a lot they never did anything intentionally and I Started loving them our relationship gets improved but not my health , I entered 12 Class , I was time for boards exams ,I was Unable to study and Face the Society , I Decided to Quit and Decided to End up Everything , But My Coaching Teacher More like My Brother he always believed me and Said to me Vidushi I believe you that you will get pass in School exam and life exam tooo.. I replied I am 99% Sure I Will got Fail , He asked me to try for 1% , And I decided to fight , I Started Working hard , Taking Proper Medicine and Councelling and Learn the truth about life , The beauty of life and The Closed Curtains of My room are Open , The Black room is filled with light , I Stepped outside the house after soo long...

It was all Hard but not impossible , It was my exam time  , It was my Maths Exam Day , Some Classmates of mine asked me questions about my past and the Fear haunted me , I Was Feeling Dizzy in exam hall , My parents were called and after taking Medicine anyhow I wrote the Paper , Exams are Over But Still Exam of life was left that I Have to Fight .... Treatment was Going On , My anger and Stubborn Behaviour was unbearable but My Doctor and Parents Sealed with a Lot Of Patience and It Was The Day of My result , Everyone was Worried What will happen , I open the Result and Checked either it's Pass or Fail 

And Guess What I was Passed with 54% I was Dancing and crying , Everyone was Happy But It was my 1 Achievement after 2 Years of Struggle , That Give me a Confidence and I decide to Fight the Society , There was A incident that happened with me while I was Getting discharged from hospital I Asked for medical to my doctor so that I could use it in my school , But he advised me not to use it coz society take mental illness In a wrong way , That thing shocked me a bit and After that I started reasearch over this topic and learn that truth that surrounds mental illness , In our city Haldwani , A person is called possessed he was taken to a pandit first rather then going to a Doctor and Later things became worst ... To make people aware I Started a Group of Youths and Youngsters " Enlightening Hope Within " That make People aware about Mental illness ...

Through my Journey I Realised It's not the illness that kills you it's the Stigma and Discrimination that comes with it.. and it's really important to understand that Mental Health us Important just Like Physical Health.

Being a daughter of a School van driver; I grew up in Mumbai chawl in a traditional middle-class family. I was told to choose an educational path because it gives the financial stability in our Indian culture. 

When I was 12th Std, I didn't get enough career guidance. When my board result got declared, there were inquiries about my careers from home. Initially, I was not studying for CET (Medical/ Engineering entrance) at all; because all I wanted to score good in 12th exam. Because of it I fell short & scored less in the CET exam which I had given only for the namesake. I did not get admission for Med. / Engg. in any college on these marks. In this situation I dropped a year and I became clueless to the questions of my career that fell on me.

Many of my classmates who got 50% marks were also studying in some or the other college. Having been at home for almost a year I went into depression, I had to hear from my relatives that a year has been wasted, then how will it happen next, will the wedding of a girl take place on time, etc.

Meanwhile I met a friend who was doing Architecture in JJ School of Art. In fact, painting has been my favorite subject since childhood, but I never thought about making a career out of it. I always wanted to put a degree next to my name and after meeting her, I realized that architecture can be a career option. I believe, when we get options we are often confused. Due to our financial situation, we had no option/choice than getting admission in a government college. I prepared well for the exam & got good marks too. In 2017, I got admission in the prestigious Rachna Sansad’s Academy of Architecture, Mumbai.  

I could be the woman who has fear, who don’t have her opinions, who was quite & shy inside, but I realize my potential to do, to be or to achieve anything that I want & wanted the world would see it. Today, I am not only an Architect; but a Miss India, Model, TEDX Speaker & but being independent & confident has always been my dream! Growing up & transform my life into a meaningful turn is what I learned from depression.

I am grateful to have finally embarked on the journey of healing.

Growing up, I led a life of privilege and security. I was sure that no harm could ever come to me till I had my heart broken. My boyfriend suddenly ghosted me and not knowing why pushed me in an abyss of depression. Life seemed miserable and I started harming myself and abusing prescribed drugs, which landed me in a rehab. My days in the rehab was horrible. I was physically abused and treated as a deviant. I thought I was going to die. Somehow I managed to escape and after a few months I left for London to pursue a masters degree. But the main reason I left the country was because I was scared that I would be taken back into the rehab again. I was traumatised and at my most vulnerable then and someone I trusted ended up sexually assaulting me. The rape completely broke me and I hated myself. I was ashamed and felt defiled. I often blamed myself for the assault and kept thinking I must have done something that resulted in the abuse. All I wanted was to just disappear from the face of the earth. There were days when getting out of bed seemed like a huge ordeal. However the support of my mother and some of my friends made a lot of difference. I also changed my psychiatrist and found someone who was kind, seemed to listen and understand. Medication along with therapy helped me to resume a semblance of normality. At least I wasn’t trying to kill myself every other day. 

It’s been 8 years since I returned from London with a MA degree in Criminology. I’ve been working with survivors of human trafficking and sexual assault since then. 

I still have my bouts of depression and anxiety. There are days when I just want to lie in bed and cry my heart out. But on most days I feel thankful to be alive. It took me 10 years to let go of the hurt, pain and shame I was holding within me. I know that I still have a long way to go before I completely heal but I know I am progress every day.

For me it started with a fear I couldn't  recognize what  I am afraid of. I used to experiance it at around 8 o'clock night it continued for 3 days.from the next day I had this for the whole day. I am an extrovert but suddenly I was not able to talk to anyone some thing was pulling me back.after that I stayed with my friend but nothing changed.i spoke to my mother about this ,then I took counselling

I thought everything will become normal after that but the most scaring part came after that.i shut myself in my room as if I had nothing to thing about .sometimes I felt empty completely directionless!.then I started painting in my wall.some times I felt as if the pictures I drew frightened me.the only thing I understood was I need help I would scream loud for help.then I look medication slowly i unlocked myself from my room

Those were the scariest days of my life I had suicidal thoughts. I could feel the burning inside me .after medication stage by stage I recovered and I got my new life of happiness.

Sometimes I stare at the railing on my balcony. It looks really messy and dirty because it hasn’t been cleaned in ages. I just like looking at it. Most of the time I’m not even thinking about it when I’m looking at it. In fact, I’m mostly just thinking about how the world works, how flawed the structures that hold this god forsaken universe are. I reckon the amount of people who live their lives thinking that they’re going to find some extraordinary peace and happiness if they continue to fulfill their duties as members of society. Sometimes I think about the man who spends his entire day saluting people who cross him simply to collect a few bucks to go home with. Sometimes I think how easy his life is for he has never questioned his worth as a skilled human, how he has simply accepted his fate as a service provider. Does he really want to do this? I wish I’d ask him, perhaps I’m too self-centered to interrogate people about their hidden desires in life or their unfulfilled dreams that they’re holding onto in hope of a secured future. 

Sometimes I also think about the little girl who wants to be a dancer, who oils her hair every week in lieu of getting long and strong hair as shown to her in TV commercials. Sometimes I think about the 16 year old boy who thinks he’s found the love of his life because she’s the perfect height and likes the scar on his left calf. I think about these things, not like normal people because unlike them, I think about them a “bit too much” or I’m a little too “invested” in characters that touch my heart or the people I’ve seen on screen wondering why they do the things that they do, simply because I have no other thoughts. 

In reality, I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that go on in my mind and yes, I have tried to "snap out of it" and “move on” but god have I been lucky? Unfortunately, not. 

Unlike regular people, these thoughts stick with me even when I’m showering or listening to music, they linger on when I’m talking to my friends about my life plans or when I’m doing house chores. I’m always thinking about them. But here’s the thing. THEY are my friends. My thoughts understand me better than anyone else in the world. I feel disconnected with everyone else but feel connected inside. To those who get to read this, I hope you feel less alone and more empowered.

At 21, I realised that I had been in anxiety for more than 10 years, and considered that to be my "normal". Now at 26, I finally feel "normal", or to be honest, just like another unique human being. 

Realising that I had spent most of my childhood and all of my teens in anxiety, and then overcoming it, has now been a journey of five years. There was a time when I was anxious of seeing and being judged by my next-door neighbour too, but now even a laptop theft and the Covid-19 pandemic could not make me as anxious. 

As a neurologically different person, hypersensitive, introverted, and probably dyspraxic too, I was taught that people like me are not successful in this world. This was a major bummer as I am fairly ambitious, have always been considered intelligent and sincere, and am keen to be a change-maker. 

The journey of overcoming my anxiety has been a journey of recalibrating my beliefs, my entire being, and finding my passion for work and life. It has also been a process of forgiving my parents and closed ones, and realising that they are products of society too, and are probably just trying to do their best in looking out for me. 

From having zero self-confidence and dreading to wake up in the morning, I am now brimming with energy and faith, and am excited to wake up every morning. There are bad days, but I know they will pass. I believe in myself, and in my own power of creating my world as I want it to be. 

If I can do it, you can do it too!

Be aware

Before Sharing my story.I wanna say why I'm sharing it.

Because of my extreme carelessness attitude, Till now I'm suffering it shouldn't happen to any other person for people's knowledge to help someone who take it as chill!... Be aware of what you're going through.

 At the age of 15, I lost my father in that time,my thought was I'm going through a sadness. I don't have any knowledge about what I'm  going through slowly started losing my interest, I don't wanna eat and sleeping everytime was my best solutions.  In another corner. Being a single mother child, I have to scare leading  my daily life in our society. I wanna be in more conscious and be a protector of my family. People's around you don't know what your family is going through?.. I have to be more responsible.

My mom, didn't understood want I'm going through whenever she saw me, I will be in sleep. After 8 to 10 hours  of sleep. I will be feeling tired. Still now!!...

After getting my first job, Everything was going good.

But something started not feeling well. In that time, started facing jerks in sleep, severe headaches, unknown feelings inside my stomach. I can't able to get back to my normal, my thought leads to killing myself was a best option!!!!

I was saying myself that, "Many reasons is there to die, but some hope is there live, love and laugh your life".

At the age of 21, I found out that I'm in Depression, my mind refuse, to accept it, in that point. I was lackadaisical attitude, never take about it seriously. Even my mother don't have any knowledge that much about a mental health.

Even I got rejected by a guy who I loved the most. No one will be there to help you and be with you to share, what going inside your mind.

Now I'm struggling alot, I'm fighting myself daily to wake up. Everything because of my carelessness and I never took any steps forward to take care of mental illness.